A man refuses to go into a gay bar because he thinks it will make him look less masculine. Then he spends the evening standing beside other men, clutching a drink and trying to look sufficiently masculine to speak to a woman.
You have to admire the efficiency of that plan.
The point of this episode is to question that reflex. Being uncomfortable around gay men can close off friendships, interesting places and things you could learn. You do not become more confident by making your world smaller.
Notice the atmosphere you choose
Some straight nightlife has a peculiar tension. Men stand around waiting, women are surrounded by obvious attempts to impress them, and everybody seems slightly more concerned with being seen than having a good evening.
In the episode I describe enjoying gay venues because the atmosphere could feel more relaxed and playful. That was my experience of particular nights, not a rule about every venue or every gay man.
A different setting can change how you behave. If you stop treating the room as a competition for status, it becomes easier to talk, laugh and participate in what is actually happening.
You are still a guest in somebody else's social space. A woman may be there precisely because she does not want attention from straight men. Read the situation, be clear about yourself and take a lack of interest without making it a problem.
Friendship is not a threat
I also talk about gay men who were friendly, successful and good company. That should be an ordinary sentence. For some men it still seems to require a special explanation.
You can enjoy somebody's company without having the same sexual orientation. You can make your own boundaries clear without acting disgusted or defensive. If you are comfortable with who you are, a conversation should not be an identity crisis.
Some of the men I met were generous socially, introduced people and made an evening more fun. Compare that with a room in which every man treats you as a rival he has to undermine. I know which atmosphere I would rather spend time in.
The friendship should be real. Treating someone as an accessory to help you meet women misses the human point and tends to make you poor company yourself.
Learn from what you see
There is nothing complicated about noticing that somebody dresses well or expresses himself with confidence. You can learn from that without copying his whole personality.
Attention to fit, grooming and personal style is available to any man. So is the ability to express attraction without behaving as though sexuality is something shameful. These are individual qualities worth observing, not traits every member of a group automatically possesses.
Look at what works and understand why it works. Refusing to learn because of who supplied the example is a self-imposed handicap.
Drop the performance
My larger point is that doing what everybody around you does will often produce the same evening everybody around you complains about. You do not have to keep returning to a setting you dislike just because it looks like the approved male activity.
Choose places you enjoy. Make friends with people you actually like. Be honest about your intentions and respectful of other people's.
And if the only reason you will not walk through a particular door is that another man might have an opinion about you, perhaps the person restricting your dating life is not a woman.
