If you are sitting opposite a woman worrying about where to put your hands, you already have something useful in front of you. Watch her. How is she sitting? How quickly is she speaking? Is she relaxed, animated, quiet?
Men can become so preoccupied with looking confident that they stop noticing the person they are trying to connect with. Shoulders back, never lean forward, don't do this, don't do that. Before long they look like somebody has threatened to grade their posture.
Mirroring offers a simpler starting point. Pay attention and let the interaction become a little more natural.
Begin with what you can see
In this episode I describe physical mirroring as the easiest place to start. Notice posture, gestures and the rhythm of eye contact. You don't copy every movement a second after she makes it. That would be strange, and she would be right to wonder what the hell you were doing.
You are looking for a comfortable way to be in the same interaction. If she is relaxed and you are rigid, there is a mismatch. If she is speaking quietly and you are projecting across the room, there is another.
The value is attention. Instead of performing an abstract idea of an alpha male, you respond to what is actually happening. Once you become more comfortable observing people, you have less to invent.
Listen for the words that matter
Verbal mirroring goes beyond repeating sounds. A woman tells you about travelling and keeps returning to freedom, excitement or feeling at home. Those words give you something to ask about. What did freedom mean to her there? What made that place feel different?
Don't decide you have diagnosed her entire personality from four words. Use them to understand her better. Paraphrase part of what she said and give her room to continue. Often that is more useful than immediately producing another story about yourself.
I discuss this kind of listening in The Yellow Swan. In the episode I also criticise my own behaviour in an interaction where I failed to mirror well. Getting a result doesn't prove every part of your game was good. Sometimes it works despite a mistake. You still want to notice the mistake.
The same principle applies to messages. If she sends one short line, replying with an essay can make the exchange feel lopsided. Keep it concise and use language that belongs to the conversation you are actually having. You don't have to match an enormous message just because she wrote one.
Connection still needs direction
Mirroring everything forever would leave you both waiting. At some point you may want to suggest moving to another venue or doing something together. That suggestion comes from you. She then decides whether she wants to join you.
This is why mirroring and leading aren't enemies. Think of a dance. You respond to each other, and sometimes one person introduces a movement. Connection gives that invitation somewhere to land.
On your next date, listen long enough to notice a word she returns to. Ask about it instead of changing the subject to your next prepared story. You might discover that the woman can contribute quite a lot to a conversation, provided you occasionally stop talking.
