You spend the afternoon approaching, collect a few phone numbers and go home feeling that something happened. Then the messages slow down, plans remain vague and the date never takes place. In this episode, I call that repeated cycle the flywheel of frustration.
The problem I describe is a mismatch between the activity and the goal. A longer contact list can feel rewarding after a difficult afternoon. But if you wanted to meet somebody and spend time together, the number itself has not completed that goal.
The reward can keep you repeating the pattern
I compare the cycle to gambling: an occasional encouraging result can keep you returning to a process that usually leaves you disappointed. The comparison explains why effort alone may not change the experience. You can work harder at the same routine and still end up waiting on your phone.
Another example is approaching people you are not particularly interested in just to warm up. That may create activity, but it also moves your attention away from the kind of encounter you actually want.
Change the target before you go out
My proposed change is to stop treating numbers as the target and work towards a same-day date. That requires a clearer intention before you leave home, followed by a conversation that establishes interest and practical availability.
The episode asks you to examine what you count as progress. Is your routine producing meetings, or mainly producing more messages to send? Watch the discussion for the reasoning behind that change of approach and browse the podcast archive for related conversations about instant dating.
